Sunday, December 12, 2010

At a crosswalk in Cd. Juarez, Mexico...














My restless mind keeps taking me back to the sights and sounds along the way to my elementary school today.

We were moving as fast as our little legs could take us, maybe a little late and laughing and singing every step of the way.

It was almost 8:00 in the morning, the school buzzer was warning and we held her hands tighter as we hurried to get to the main entrance.

It is now 11:30 at night and I have tried in vain to get my little brother and I to sleep... for who knows how many hours.

Darkness is all around us, the only light is the reflection of the street light outside that sends scattered fragments of light into our bedroom.

I have tried to silence the loud fire cracker noises I keep hearing.

Trying hard to ignore all the sights and sounds that now torment me.

All I feel and all that remains are the empty and painful desolate feelings left inside.

My little brother's breath and our warm blankets are the only warmth we feel.

There on the table she sits, almost life like and staring loving towards me.

In one picture she is holding me tight in her arms that one is in an old antique silver frame that our Abuelita gave us.

In the other picture she sitting on a park bench with both of us on her lap.

That is my favorite picture and it is in a plastic green colored frame that I bought near the school on Mother's day for her.

She loved those pictures and always proudly said, that we were her biggest Blessing!

I look towards the window where we spent many evenings reading stories about Dora the explorer.

All I now see is the darkness that outlines our tall, old leafless tree.

Before the bad people came we spent many afternoons swinging outside on the old tire that hung from the tree.

It looks sad as it sways in circles listlessly.

The tree once magestic and green is now only a giant shadow of itself.

Its old ramified branches now shorn of all its leaves draw zigzag lines into the star filled skies.

We lay here cowering under our favorite bedspread, an old heavy pink fuzzy blanket with many tiny roses, that up until early this morning we three had shared.

No matter how dark it was, no matter how cold it got... we all cuddled underneath, with our Mamacita embracing us  tight and leading us in prayer at bed time every night.

Quieting the night and silencing the loud megaphones, the police sirens and soldier's Hummer tires screeching and the hail stoem of bullets that we all hear each night outside.

Tonight the wind howls through the crack that my Mamacita fixed with some some newspaper pieces.

She must have missed a crack because it is howling loud and making me tremble.

The high pitched howl reminds me of her last anguished breaths.

The sounds leave me in tears and overwhelm me.

Her smile was so beautiful and now all I have is her shadowy glimpse... from the table top that only three feet away.

My little brother keeps asking why she has to go away.

We loved her warm embrace and always made us feel loved and safe. 

A love so strong that we could feel each other even when we weren't together.

I actually thought I heard her earlier, calling my name... was it a dream or was it a hallucination?

The moonlight keeps trying to come into our bedroom, try as it may it can't shine through - it is not bright enough to cover the empty space.

What will happen to my little brother Emilio and I now?

Will my father come home tonite and take us to our Tia's home?

When will we be able to see her again?

Will all her friends and our fanily know where to go for the funeral?

Will we ever go to school again?

Will we ever see my friends?

I try and steal a quick peek, but am afraid to open my eyes.

There is so much there I do not want to see.

I hear but do not want to listen.

I think and I do not want to remember.

Tonight as my memories and my dreams meet, they suddenly darken and extinguish each one another.

There is nothing in this room for us two anymore.

There may be nothing more beyond tomorrow.

We are tired of crying, we are scared of where we will go, we dare not fall asleep becasue we are frightened of what we will wake up to.

It was 8:00 in the morning and we were holding her hand.

When that hooded sicario ran across our path.

He joined us at the crosswalk.

He was pointing his large gun at someone else, and then he fired!

Rrrrat-ta-tat!! Rrrrat-ta-tat!

"Dios Mio" she yelled as she tried to push us to the ground.

Someone fired back at him.

We all laid still on the cold street.

Oh Mamacita, dear Mamacita why can't you get up!

All we could do was cry, we tried to help her sit up... but all she did was lay.

We wrapped ourselves around her - as close as we could to her.

We held her but she couldn't hold us back.

Mamacita, why did you have to leave us?

Will someone, anyone please come help us?

I looked around and everyone ran - away from us.

I wonder if they did not love their Mamacita? 

Did they ever have a Mamacita?

10,000 children in Cd. Juarez are now orphaned because of the ongoing drug related violence.

Write your Congressmen, your Senators, or our President.

Someone has to hear their plea.

Please don't let them down.